Do you feel like you can’t put your emotions into words? Maybe you even wonder if you feel anything at all because it’s so hard to name it? These insecurities drive many people to the term alexithymia. But don’t worry, you’re not alone – and the problem is solvable.
What exactly is alexithymia?
Alexithymia literally means “no words for feelings” (alexi = “no words”, thymos = “feeling”). Alexithymia is also often referred to as emotional blindness. People with alexithymia often have difficulty identifying and verbally expressing their own emotions. But that doesn’t mean they don’t have any emotions. They may feel deeply, it’s just that it’s hard to translate those feelings into conscious thoughts or words.
The typical symptoms: How do you recognize alexithymia?
The symptoms of alexithymia can be subtle, but they have a huge impact on everyday life. Common signs include:
- Difficulty identifying your own feelings: You realize that something is going on inside you, but you can’t put your finger on what it is – is it anger, fear or sadness?
- Emotions are not put into words: Even if you know you are feeling something, you find it difficult to find the right words to express it.
- Physical symptoms instead of emotions: Instead of emotional expression, physical complaints may arise, such as stomach cramps or headaches.
4. Social difficulties: Relationships suffer because there is a lack of emotional exchange. Those around you may perceive you as “cold” or “insensitive”, even though you are not.
Alexithymia and autism: How are they related?
Emotional blindness is common among people on the autism spectrum. It is estimated that about 50% of autistic people also have alexithymia. This explains why autistic people are often perceived as emotionally distant or “cool”. But this is a misunderstanding: they feel deeply, but what happens inside is difficult to express.
The question of love: Can people with alexithymia love?
One of the biggest concerns for many sufferers and their partners is whether people with alexithymia can love. The short answer: Yes! Alexithymia does not affect the ability to feel affection or love. The problem lies more in how that love is expressed. People with alexithymia often show their affection through actions, not words. You may not get a poetic love letter from them, but they do things to make your life easier – and that is their way of showing love.
Everyday situation: how alexithymia affects relationships
Imagine your partner coming home and telling you about a difficult day. While you are happy to receive emotional support, they may react neutrally or immediately change the subject. This can come across as hurtful. But for someone with alexithymia, it may simply mean that they don’t know how to respond to emotions. It doesn’t mean there’s no affection – rather, there’s a lack of ability to show it.
What causes alexithymia?
There are many causes of alexithymia. Some people develop it due to genetic factors or neurological conditions, while others become emotionally blocked as a result of traumatic experiences in childhood. Emotional numbness is particularly common in people who have grown up in environments where emotions have been suppressed or devalued.
Alexithymia and emotional devaluation in childhood: the path back to one’s own feelings
Alexithymia is particularly common in people who have grown up in environments where emotions have been suppressed or devalued. When children learn that emotions such as sadness, anger or joy are not allowed to be expressed or are unwelcome, they often develop a protective strategy: they suppress their feelings or lose access to them. This emotional “shutdown” can lead to alexithymia later in life. Experts such as the renowned psychologist Gabor Maté, who specializes in the effects of trauma, emphasize that the way back to emotions is through mindful self-awareness and regaining emotional awareness.
One technique Maté recommends is body-based therapy. Since many people with alexithymia are unable to cognitively access their emotions, the body is often the key: emotions often manifest as physical tension or discomfort. Through somatic therapy (a form of therapy that focuses on the mind-body connection), sufferers can learn to understand these physical sensations as expressions of feelings.
Emotion-focused therapy (EFT) is another effective method for restoring access to feelings. Leslie Greenberg, a psychologist and one of the founders of EFT, explains that it is crucial to experience emotions in a safe space, without them being immediately judged or suppressed. In therapy, clients learn to identify their emotions in real time and to verbalize them in stages – a process that helps to restore previously lost access to emotional reactions.
In addition, many experts recommend the use of mindfulness and meditation practices to promote awareness of one’s own emotional world. Regular exercises such as body scans, in which you gradually focus on different parts of your body and the sensations stored in them, can help you to become more aware of your feelings. All these techniques aim to create a space for emotions that may have been missing in childhood, thus helping you to develop your emotional expressiveness again.
Alexithymia test: How do I find out if I’m affected?
A widely used test for diagnosing alexithymia is the “Toronto Alexithymia Scale” (TAS-20). This questionnaire assesses the ability to recognize and describe one’s own feelings. A specialist or therapist can administer this test and help you with the diagnosis and next steps.
Treating alexithymia: What can you do?
The good news is that alexithymia can be changed. You can learn to recognize and express your emotions better. Here are some approaches that can help:
- Emotion-focused therapy: This form of therapy aims to improve access to emotions. You learn to identify and verbalize your inner states.
- Mindfulness training: Through mindfulness, you learn to be present in the moment and to better perceive subtle emotional nuances. Meditation can help you connect with your feelings.
- Creative expression: Art or writing therapy can help you communicate your emotions in a non-verbal way and thus find better access to your inner self.
Alexithymia can feel like an invisible wall between you and your emotions. But it is not a static condition. With the right tools, you can learn to recognize, name, and express your feelings. The key is understanding that you are not numb—you just need some assistance in finding the right words. Read on to get the right tools for the job!
Alexithymia and neurodivergence: why neurodivergent people often have trouble with their emotions
If you feel like you can’t feel your emotions or have trouble identifying them, it’s not only confusing but also deeply frustrating. For neurodivergent people recognizing and expressing emotions can be particularly challenging. But why are neurodivergent people more likely to be affected? And what can you do to regain access to your emotions?
The “inner compass” and why it is often misaligned in neurodivergent people
Emotions act like an inner compass in our lives. They show us where we stand, what our needs are and in which direction we should move. However, if this compass remains silent or feels incomprehensible, you can quickly feel lost, as if you are drifting on the ocean without orientation. For many neurodivergent people, this inner compass is difficult to access from the outset or is distorted by the specific experiences they have in their environment and with their caregivers.
One explanation for why neurodivergent people suffer from alexithymia more often lies in the way they interact with the world – and how the world treats them.
Trauma as an amplifier of alexithymia: Why neurodivergent people experience trauma more often
Neurodivergent people are often exposed to higher levels of stress from childhood on. This begins with the first caregivers. Many neurodivergent children experience early on that their way of perceiving and processing the world is not understood or even rejected by their parents or guardians, because it differs sometimes a lot from the neurotypical experience. These misunderstandings are not the exception, but often the rule. For example, an autistic child may express emotional needs in a way that is unusual for neurotypical people, such as expressing sensory overload (crying loudly or withdrawing), while parents who do not understand this may often perceive the behavior as disruptive, exaggerated, or irrational.
If parents or caregivers do not respond to these emotional needs or judge them as “wrong” or “inappropriate,” the child learns early on that his feelings are not valid or acceptable. In extreme cases, this leads to a complete dissociation from one’s own emotions. Children learn that it is safer to repress or ignore their feelings altogether because expressing them will be rejected by the most important people in their lives.
In psychology, this is called an insecure attachment style, and it can have serious effects on emotional well-being in adulthood. Neurodivergent children often develop an avoidant attachment style – they learn that it is better to suppress their emotions in order not to endanger their bond with their caregivers. This is particularly common with parents who themselves have a dismissive attachment style and cannot bear emotional closeness or intimacy. The child remains emotionally alone – with the result that they learn to suppress their needs and feelings in order to remain “calm” or “problem-free”.
This form of early traumatization is often intensified later by the social environment. Neurodivergent people experience bullying, social isolation and misunderstandings more often than average. They learn that their emotions are often not only unwelcome but can also be dangerous because they result in rejection or punishment.
Social conditioning: Why emotions are considered “dangerous”
Not only our caregivers, but also the leftover social conditioning plays a major role in how we deal with emotions. Many neurodivergent people grow up in environments that portray certain emotions as “weak” or “inappropriate.” We are taught that it is better to be rational and in control than emotional and “chaotic.” This perspective often hits neurodivergent people particularly hard, as their emotional expression or sensitivity does not fit into the narrow grid of social expectations.
For people with ADHD, for example, this can mean that their impulsive emotional outbursts or mood swings are perceived as “too much”. Autistic people, on the other hand, often experience their way of showing or interpreting feelings as being labeled “wrong”. This constant message that one’s own emotions are “different” “too much, too little” or “wrong” can lead many neurodivergent people to learn to suppress their feelings completely – a state that can lead directly to alexithymia.
The emotional “protective armor”: Why the body switches to survival
When neurodivergent people repeatedly experience that their emotions are not understood or accepted, the body develops a kind of survival mechanism. You could describe this as a kind of shock – an emotional numbness in which the body decides: “I’m not feeling anything now because it’s safer.” This emotional numbness occurs when the pain of rejection or misunderstanding is so great that the organism protects itself by blocking all feelings, both positive and negative.
This emotional numbing can make it particularly difficult to feel any emotions at all. It feels as if a part of you has been “switched off”. The path back to feeling your own feelings requires you to gradually shed this protective armor.
Practical steps: How to learn to feel your emotions
- Body awareness practice: Set yourself reminders several times a day to feel into your body. You could use sticky notes at places you always come by. What do you feel? Warmth? Coldness? A tingling sensation? Tightness in the chest? Write down everything you perceive in a journal or notes app without judging it.
- Labeling emotions: After a week of this body awareness exercise, take it a step further. When you notice a sensation, see if you can identify it as an emotion. For example, the tightness in your chest could be anxiety. The tingling in your hands could be excitement. Use a list of feelings to help you.
- Recognizing the trigger: The next step is to ask yourself, “Why am I feeling this?” What situation, thought, or memory triggered this physical sensation? Perhaps you just thought of an unpleasant task or had a difficult encounter with another person.
This practice helps you to gradually reconnect with your emotional self. You will learn that your emotions are not your enemies, but that they provide valuable information about your inner experience.
Conclusion: The path to emotional healing
For neurodivergent people, accessing their emotions is often complicated by trauma and societal rejection. But that doesn’t mean you have to be cut off from your feelings forever. With patience and regular practice, you can reestablish contact with your emotional center. Emotions are the key to a fulfilled life – they show you the path you should take to better understand yourself and your needs.
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