Do you ever feel like you’re playing a role to fit in social situations? Perhaps you unconsciously suppress behaviors that don’t seem “normal” for fear of not being accepted. What you experience is called masking – consciously or unconsciously hiding your true personality to fit in with the expectations of others. People with autism in particular often mask, but people with ADHD, high sensitivity or even high giftedness also resort to this strategy.
What does masking mean in autism?
Masking describes when people – especially those with autism – hide or adjust their natural behaviors and characteristics in order to pass as “neurotypical”. This adaptation often occurs in order to gain social acceptance and avoid negative attention. Masking can affect everyday things such as trying to maintain eye contact even though it feels uncomfortable, or hiding stimming (self-soothing movements such as rocking or fidgeting).
What does masking look like in everyday life?
Masking doesn’t only happen in extreme situations – it often starts on a small scale. Here are some examples of what subtle masking strategies can look like:
- Small talk about topics that don’t interest you: You pretend to enjoy small talk or to be interested in topics that are irrelevant or even exhausting for you, just to fit in socially.
- Forcing eye contact: Although eye contact makes you uncomfortable, you force yourself to make eye contact because you have learned that it is considered polite.
- Suppressing emotions: You laugh or smile even though you feel sad or stressed, just to meet the expectations of others.
- Excessive conformity: You imitate the behavior of other people, from their gestures to their speech style, to appear as inconspicuous as possible.
- Suppressing stimming: You hide your self-regulating movements such as fidgeting or hand flapping because it might seem “strange”.
These strategies may seem harmless on the surface, but for people with autism or other neurodivergent traits, it means constantly wearing a mask – and that is extremely exhausting.
Why do neurodivergents mask?
Neurodivergent people often start masking as children, because they notice that they are “different” and receive negative reactions to their behavior. This “mask” then becomes a survival strategy: it helps to avoid bullying, make friends and be socially accepted – sometimes even to be safe in one’s own family or in a relationship. But this comes at a price.
Masking in autism is also a consequence of societal pressure to appear “normal”. In a world dominated by neurotypical expectations, the neurodivergent person adapts in order to fit in. While this adaptation may work in the short term, in the long term it often leads to loss of identity and emotional exhaustion.
Masking in ADHD, high sensitivity and giftedness
Not only autistic people resort to masking. People with ADHD also feel pressure to hide their hyperactivity, impulsivity or concentration problems. They “mask” their restlessness in order not to attract negative attention at school or at work. In the case of highly sensitive people, masking can manifest itself in their hiding their emotional irritability or sensory overload. They smile even when loud noises or bright lights are almost driving them crazy.
Even highly gifted people can mask by downplaying their cognitive abilities or interests so as not to be seen as “too different.” They adapt to the level of conversation around them and often suppress their true curiosity so as not to appear arrogant.
Masking in female-socialized individuals: Why they are often more affected
Female-socialized individuals are particularly affected by masking because they are socially conditioned from an early age to conform and meet the expectations of those around them. In many cultures, girls and women are expected to be socially competent, empathetic, and “low maintenance”. These social norms put enormous pressure on females with autism, ADHD, giftedness or high sensitivity to hide their neurodivergent traits even more. They are often required to appear calm, friendly and “normal”, even when they are suffering from sensory overload, insatiable curiosity or emotional stress. Studies show that girls with autism are often diagnosed later because they are better at masking their symptoms and thus do not conform to common perceptions of autism (which are mostly based on male behavior patterns). This leads to many female-socialized individuals hiding their true personality for years, which in the long run can lead to extreme stress, burnout, and mental illnesses such as depression and OCD.
The consequences of masking:
Loss of identity and chronic exhaustion
The problem with masking is that it often goes unnoticed and it is only recognized late in how much it affects your life. Permanent masking can lead to a loss of identity. You have tried to fit in for so long that at some point you no longer know who you really are. You feel like you’re playing a role – the role of a “neurotypical” person who fits into society. Sometimes you might feel like a defected doll.
Chronic fatigue and health problems
The stress of constantly wearing a mask can lead to chronic illnesses. People who constantly wear a mask report extreme stress, exhaustion and burnout. The reason for this is simple: you consume an infinite amount of energy to function socially “correctly” instead of being yourself. This constant acting can weaken the immune system and lead to serious health problems such as chronic fatigue, depression or anxiety disorders.
Here is a typical example: you go to a party even though it’s too much for you. You force yourself to appear cheerful, make small talk, force eye contact, and smile throughout. When you get home, you fall into bed exhausted and feel emotionally drained, as if you had been playing a role all day – which, essentially, you were.
Authenticity: The Way Out of Masking
Authenticity is the key to overcoming masking and achieving a fulfilled life. Authenticity means that what you feel inside is also lived outside. People tend to wear masks because they believe that their true nature will not be accepted or that they will not be safe. This leads many of us to show only the aspects of our personality that offer us security, while the vulnerable but genuine parts remain hidden.
Socialization is often a kind of forming in which we are taught who we should be instead of who we really are. This encourages masking. The only way to break out of this cycle is to close the gap between our inner and outer worlds. This includes allowing vulnerable feelings and accepting one’s essence – even if it means facing one’s own dark sides.
We can be only so authentic as we know ourselves. That means that authenticity often depends on our level of self-awareness. Many of us have parts of our personality buried so deeply that we are not even aware of them. The first step to authenticity is to rediscover these hidden parts, accept them, and consciously decide how we want to integrate them into our lives. This journey to authenticity is also a path of awakening, in which we stop being what society expects of us and start being truly ourselves.
How do you recognize if you are masking?
You may wonder if you are masking yourself. Here are some signs:
- You feel extremely exhausted after social interactions, even if they went well on the surface.
- You have trouble recognizing your own needs because you are so focused on meeting the expectations of others.
- You feel like you take on different personalities in different social situations.
- You often feel “empty” or distant from yourself, as if you have no real connection to your own emotions.
Masking as a trauma response
Interestingly, masking can also occur as a trauma response. People who have experienced bullying or rejection in childhood often develop masking as a survival strategy. They learn that their true personality leads to conflict, and begin to adapt and hide their true needs. This is especially common in neurodivergent people, who often have negative experiences in social interactions.
What can you do about masking?
The first step to reducing masking is self-acceptance. It is important to recognize that your neurodivergent traits are part of your personality and that you don’t have to appear “perfect” all the time. Here are some practical tips:
- Take breaks: When you notice that you are masking in social situations, give yourself breaks. Withdraw for a few minutes to recover.
- Practice authenticity: Try to be authentic in small steps. If you feel uncomfortable in a situation, allow yourself to show it. Removing yourself is also a way to show it.
- Seek support: Talk to people you trust about your challenges with masking. A supportive environment can help you feel more comfortable in your own skin.
- Self-care: Make sure to regularly engage in activities that are good for you and where you can let your “mask” fall away.
Bottom line: Ending masking means being yourself
Masking may be a short-term survival strategy, but in the long term it often leads to emotional exhaustion, loss of identity and chronic health problems. Especially people with autism, ADHD, high sensitivity or high giftedness often have to adapt to a neurotypical society, which can be extremely exhausting. The key is to slowly relearn to be yourself – without having to constantly wear a mask.
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