In moments when emotions are running high or waves of overwhelm are surging up out of nowhere, you may wonder: How do I learn to better regulate my emotions? And what exactly does that mean? If you feel that you can’t control your reactions in such situations, you’re not alone. Emotions have a deeper, often unconscious cause, and “regulation” is more than just a process of “taming.” It’s a journey of understanding and integration – an approach based on deep emotional understanding in the school of thought of Dr. Gabor Maté.
What does emotion regulation mean?
Emotion regulation is the ability to consciously perceive, control and adjust emotional states. The goal is not to suppress or avoid negative emotions, but to face them in a way that does not hurt you or others. It is about finding a balance between expression and control, which takes practice and patience. This process is different for neurodivergent people, such as those with autism or ADHD, because their neurological structures are more sensitive on an emotional level.
Why is emotion regulation important?
Emotions affect your health, well-being, and relationships. If we don’t regulate our emotions, it can lead to long-term stress, anxiety, and even physical illness. According to Gabor Maté, many emotional patterns are rooted in early childhood. If we overlook where our emotional triggers come from, we often reinforce these unconscious patterns. Recognizing and understanding these patterns is the basis for learning healthy emotion regulation.
How do I learn to regulate my emotions?
Regulating emotions is a lifelong process. The following strategies can help you start or deepen this journey:
- Develop self-awareness
Before you can consciously control your emotions, you have to learn to perceive them. A simple “pause and feel” is often enough. What physical sensations occur with certain emotions? Realize that every emotion contains a message. In the case of anger, the message could be that a boundary has been crossed; in the case of sadness, it could indicate a loss. - Breathing exercises and mindfulness
Breathing techniques can help to calm the mind and reduce the physical response to stress. One popular method is 4-7-8 breathing: breathe in for four seconds, hold for seven seconds, and breathe out for eight seconds. This signals your nervous system to calm down, which is especially effective when you are highly emotionally aroused. - Recognizing the origin of emotions
According to Dr. Maté, emotions are often an expression of unfulfilled needs or old wounds. When you get angry, ask yourself: What triggered this in me? Is it the current situation or an old memory? This reflection can help you recognize emotional triggers and not automatically recall them over and over again. A very powerful question to ask your trigger emotion is: How old are you? This question aims to find the origin and birth of the injury and to resolve it from there, rather than from the current moment. Because this is just a repetition of our childhood, or the past in general. - Self-acceptance and forgiveness
Everyone experiences intense feelings. Accepting that negative emotions such as anger or sadness are also valid is essential for healthy emotional regulation. Be aware that you are not “wrong” or “weak” when you have these feelings.
How can I get a better grip on my emotions?
Having your emotions under control doesn’t mean controlling them, but rather being in dialogue with them and acknowledging them. It’s important to set healthy boundaries – both for yourself and in social interactions. The following techniques can help you with this:
- Practice emotional reflection
Regularly ask yourself questions like, “How am I feeling right now?” or “What exactly is upsetting me at this moment?” Over time, you will recognize patterns in your reactions. - Take a step back and change your perspective
Emotions often come in waves, building in intensity and then dying down again. At the peak of the wave, a brief change of perspective can help: What would a friend advise you to do in this situation? This helps you to gain emotional distance and avoid impulsive behavior. - Using physical activity as an outlet
Physical activity can help you to get rid of intense emotions. A short jog or even just a few minutes of dancing are effective ways to release pent-up energy. Tapping your body, humming, or singing also help.
What emotion regulation strategies are there?
Emotion regulation is not a “one-size-fits-all” approach. Here are some proven strategies:
- Cognitive reframing
This technique involves actively questioning the meaning you give to a situation. Instead of “I have failed,” you might think, “I have tried and can learn from this.” - Acceptance-based approaches
Particularly in the context of trauma or stressful experiences, it is important not to suppress emotions, but to accept them. Acceptance-based forms of therapy, such as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), have proven effective in this regard. - Cultivating self-compassion
Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in this field, shows how important it is to treat yourself with kindness even in difficult moments. Self-compassion reduces stress and helps you to control emotional reactions in a more relaxed way.
Which Hormone is Responsible for Emotions?
Various hormones are directly involved in emotional processes. Particularly relevant are:
- Cortisol
Often referred to as the “stress hormone,” cortisol is released during high levels of stress and is responsible for many physical reactions to stress. However, chronically elevated cortisol levels can promote emotional dysregulation. - Serotonin
This hormone influences mood and contributes to a sense of well-being. - Oxytocin
Often referred to as the “love hormone,” oxytocin supports positive social interactions and emotional closeness. It plays an important role when we connect with others and build trust.
Conclusion
At the end of the day, the highest form of emotional regulation is not “controlling” or “avoiding” feelings, but consciously experiencing and accepting them – feeling fully and authentically. Emotional authenticity means allowing everything that arises and building trust that every feeling is allowed to come and will go away if it is not held on to. Children have a natural understanding of this.
Authenticity is a powerful, high-vibrating level where you don’t have to suppress or manipulate your true feelings. When you ignore a feeling or try to avoid it, you create a kind of emotional congestion. These repressed emotions don’t “leave” us, but remain anchored in the body or mind – and sooner or later they will show up in other ways. However, by inviting everything that arises within you to be truly felt, you create a space in which emotions can flow naturally.
This attitude is deeply liberating. It means that you no longer have to pretend in your ups and downs and that you can accept your inner world as it is. The paradox is that if you hold nothing and let everything come and go, the emotions that once seemed so overwhelming become easier to bear. Emotion regulation thus becomes less a matter of “grasping” or “letting go” and more a matter of consciously “experiencing and accepting.” Ultimately, this is the key to living at an authentic, powerful frequency.
Sources:
- BetterUp. “Emotional Regulation Skills.” BetterUp. Accessed on 03.11.2024.
- Oberbergkliniken. “Emotion Regulation: How Feelings Can Be Controlled.” Accessed on 03.11.2024.
- Bloom, Chris. “Regulating Emotions.” Accessed November 3, 2024. [https://chrisbloom.de/blog/emotionen-regulieren/]
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